ANOTHER CHRISTMAS WITHOUT LUKE

Christmas has come and gone again and as happens at most special occassions it causes you to reflect on what should have been.

We spent this Xmas at home with our parents and Luke's little brother Josh who had a lovely time with his pressies, but Cindy and I had to open the special presents that we placed under the tree for Luke. They were so hard to open as Luke should have been the one there doing it.
We take these to the cemetary each year and place at his resting place. It is so hard as he should have been here playing with his toys and having fun like his little brother did. It will never ever be right or fair. My heart aches for our little boy who never got to experience fun times with his Mum and Dad and now his little brother.

You try your hardest to put on a brave face for Josh as he doesn't know anything about his brother yet but in time he will be told what a special big brother he has and how we love him and miss him so much. I can't say I'm looking forward to telling Josh about what happened to Luke but it is something that I will put alot of time and thought into when the time comes.

I will never forget you Bubby Luke and I am so proud to be your Daddy.
I miss you mate xxxxxxxxx

GUILT THAT TEARS AT YOUR HEART

The last few months I have found really tough which is strange I know with the joy Josh has brought us but I am constantly having dreams about my special little boy Luke. It always comes back to the same thing, seeing Luke's eyes staring at me from inside the humidicrib saying "HELP ME DADDY, HELP ME" and I could do nothing to help him.
I have felt guilty about this ever since we lost our precious son. I feel I let my little boy down so badly and I don't think I will ever forgive myself.
In my mind the Daddy is the protector of the family, and I did not protect my little boy.
A Daddy has to be able to fix things that aren't fixable and I didn't!!
People have said, including my dear wife CJ that not even the doctors could do anythinig to fix him but my answer to that is, "they aren't Luke's Daddy", and they don't love him with the passion that I do, and for that matter always will.
I hope that Luke realises how much I love him, how much I miss him and the fact I would do anything to have him back healthy and happy.
What I would do to hold him one more time, to give him a kiss and to let him know that his Daddy is so proud to be his father.
I am so so sorry bubby.

MEMORIES & CONSTANT REMINDERS

Josh is now 6 1/2 months old and growing fast. He is a real little character and I love him to bits but I must admit I found the anniversary of Luke's death harder this year than the one before. I guess it's due to Josh constantly doing little things that make you laugh or smile and knowing that they are more things we missed out on with Bubby Luke. I try not to dwell on them as I know that helps no-one but I can't help it sometimes as my mind wanders back to Luke and the 2 very special days I had with him. I go and visit him every second night on my way home from work, check his little grave & remove leaves and stuff off it that has been blown there, make sure his toys are in the place where we like them and give his plaque a clean as they get dirty so quickly. I know its not much but it is all I can do to show my boy that daddy will always care. I hope he knows that anyway but I like to check on him. I sometimes sit down out there & chat with him, telling him how much I miss him and how I wish he was still here with his mummy, little brother Josh and me. I say goodnight to Luke every night, I always look into the night sky and find the brightest star and say goodnight darlin boy daddy loves you and misses you. It might sound silly to some people but it helps me a little bit. I had such a special bond with Luke and my heart aches every day from the loss of my little boy. If only I could change things !!
Daddy loves and misses you so much Bubby xxxxxxx

3 YEARS BUT HEART ALWAYS HEAVY

Today our little Luke would have turned 3 years old. He should have been waking us early to open presents and enjoy his day but due to this cruel world he can not. It is just so hard sometimes as the old saying "if only" continues to pop into your head. Today I am going to remember my boy who I love so very much and who I think about on a daily basis. His beautiful eyes, his wise old face, his gorgous skin, his cute little mop of hair, the love I instantly felt for him, the way he looked at me when I held him and try not to think too hard of the hell we went through in losing him. I miss him so much, the ache in the heart never goes away and nor will the love I have for my special special special little bubby boy.
Daddy loves you so much xxxxxxxxxxx

MY 2 SPECIAL BOYS

Joshy is now almost 12 weeks old and developing his own little personality which is great to be there for and see it all first hand. He makes me laugh and he makes me cry as I stare at this little person with such unconditional love. I still can't believe that he is mine and that CJ and I get to bring him up. There is nothing I would not do for him, he just makes my life so much better. I can't bear being away from him for too long......I hate going to work as I miss out on time with him but it is nice to know that he is there when I get home and I usually get this great big smile when I get home which just melts me. He is really cheeky, (just like his mother) and he has a temper (mother again), don't reckon I will ever be able to growl him as he rules the roost already and I can't see that ever changing, and that is just fine with me.......SPOILT, yes indeed but who cares. We have taken him to the cemetary to visit his big brother but we have been unable to get him out of the car just yet as it is just too hard.

I must admit the past couple of weeks I have struggled big time, I have had the guilts and missing Luke so much everyday. I feel guilty because I could not look after him like I am looking after Josh and I could not take away Luke's pain or fix his problems. With Josh you burp him he's ok, you cuddle him and he's ok. WHY why couldnt have it been the same with Luke?
I remember when we in the high dependency ward at the L.G.H Luke looked at me through his humidicrib and his eyes cried out to me "help me daddy" and all I could do was hold his little hand and tell him that i was there and that I loved him but I could not take away his pain and I will feel guilty about that for the rest of my life, as when your child suffers you suffer with them big time. I would have done anything for my little man to be well but then reality sets in and you realise that it was just not possible but it does not stop you from feeling such excrutiating pain every single day and wondering WHAT IF !!
Luke will always be a big special part of our family and Josh will know that first hand. They do look alike but yet different if that makes sense. People ask who does Josh look like out of CJ or me, well I reckon he has more of his brother Luke in him which is nice. Now the 3 of us all carry Luke inside our hearts and his memory will live on forever.
Daddy misses you buddy xxxxxxxxxxx and I promise to take good care of your little brother and your Mummy.

JOSH HAS ARRIVED

Finally our second special ittle boy has arrived.

WOW what a day it was......stressed out to the max but worth every second of a hellish nine months. Cindy was brave as she always is, but I realised her beneath the surface pain. She is an inspiration to me, and little Josh will know just how important and wonderful his Mum is. After a short scare in the ORS where they cut a blood vessel on Cindy that they shouldn't have which seemed to take an eternity to fix, our boy arrived safely and just listening to the sound of his cries was the best sound that I have ever heard. The Theatre staff told us not to worry about his screams but to us it was music to our ears.

I have the most beautiful photo of Cindy cuddling little Josh for the first time and a tear is just trickling from her eye. It just sums up how much this little miracle means to her and how much pain she has endured to have him arrive safely.

He is a gorgous little fella, although I am a tad biased but who cares, I'm sure every parent thinks the same. I still stare at him at times and just can't believe he is ours and that no - one will take him off us ever, it's just unbelievable. The love you have for your children is something that cant be described it's just such a deep powerful emotion that is unique.
I thank Luke every day for helping protect his little brother and I know that he would be pleased for us.
In amongst all the joy is always going to be the feeling of that special part of us that is not here to celebrate with ,but he will live on in our minds and he will always hold that special place in our hearts always reserved for him.

At times just having Josh is harder to deal with the loss of Luke in the sense that you realise exactly what we missed out on with Luke, and I dont mean that in a bad way at all it just hits home even harder now, but also seeing your child do things for the first time helps ease that pain........but as we know life goes on and we have to do the best we can to look after his little brother for us and for Luke as that is what he would want and that is exactly what little Joshy deserves. He will always have us to rely on as family always comes first with me and always will. I want to set an example for him to follow as he grows up and I want him to know exactly how much I do love him, as to me CJ, Luke, and Josh will always be No1 in my eyes and nothing will ever be put before any one of them, and Josh will be told all about his big brother and how he watches over him every day.

Thanks little man, you will always be the brightest star in the night sky.

Daddy loves you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FINGERS CROSSED & THANKYOU

Who would have ever thought we would reach the stage that we are now under 2 weeks before we meet our second child. I must admit that I have now become very anxious, the waiting and waiting and waiting for the day to arrive is now a reality in my mind and the realisation that we will become parents again very soon brings mixed emotions.
The though of becoming a father again is an experience that has to be felt to be believed. I remember when I met our little baby Luke for the first time, the overwhelming love that flows through you is incredible and it is that feeling that I hold closest to my heart when I think about my special little son. I think of Luke on a daily basis, and the deeper I think the mort hurt I feel, I just miss him so much and I must admit I become frustrated as hell when people start talking about this pregnancy that have never even bothered to ask me how I am in regards to Luke. I feel like telling them to mind theIr own business, I know that sounds harsh but I have very little time for so called "good time only friends". It is our special friends that I want to share this with, the ones who didnt desert us when we needed them. I will always remember them and they will always be so special to both CJ and me.
Bubby Luke is always going to be so so special to me but his sister / brother will be treated with exactly the same love as CJ and I have plenty of that to go around when it comes to our children.
The thought of meeting our 2nd child is incredible, seeing the little eyes peering up at me and telling him/her that I am their daddy is a very special moment and one in which you treasure greatly.
I am becoming increasingly nervous as the day becomes closer as it has always seemed so far away even though we have had so many scans I have lost count. My mind wanders all over the place and at times I will get up to do something and then forget why I even got up. CJ calls them my pregnant moments.
CJ has taught me so much over the last 3 years. How to find your inner strength when it is needed most? How to inspire? How to love from the bottom of your heart? She is an ispiration to me every single day, the way she fights to keep going when at times before the pregnancy it was just difficult getting out of bed and the strength that she shows every day to overcome her emotions and get on with life is something that ispires me beyond belief. To my gorgous wife (who I think is stunning with her pregnant belly) all I can say is thankyou for being you and for putting up with me. I am honoured to be your husband. xxxxxxxx