Wednesday, July 02, 2008

GUILT THAT TEARS AT YOUR HEART

The last few months I have found really tough which is strange I know with the joy Josh has brought us but I am constantly having dreams about my special little boy Luke. It always comes back to the same thing, seeing Luke's eyes staring at me from inside the humidicrib saying "HELP ME DADDY, HELP ME" and I could do nothing to help him.
I have felt guilty about this ever since we lost our precious son. I feel I let my little boy down so badly and I don't think I will ever forgive myself.
In my mind the Daddy is the protector of the family, and I did not protect my little boy.
A Daddy has to be able to fix things that aren't fixable and I didn't!!
People have said, including my dear wife CJ that not even the doctors could do anythinig to fix him but my answer to that is, "they aren't Luke's Daddy", and they don't love him with the passion that I do, and for that matter always will.
I hope that Luke realises how much I love him, how much I miss him and the fact I would do anything to have him back healthy and happy.
What I would do to hold him one more time, to give him a kiss and to let him know that his Daddy is so proud to be his father.
I am so so sorry bubby.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Luke knows how much you love him. It is so nice to read a man's perspective on loss. I know my husband hurts and is sad but your post really brought home how he must feel. I feel like I've been wrapped up in my own pain for 4 months and feel like an ass for not truly thinking of the impact on him. Thanks for the perspective.

3:28 pm  

Post a Comment

<< Home