MY 2 SPECIAL BOYS

Joshy is now almost 12 weeks old and developing his own little personality which is great to be there for and see it all first hand. He makes me laugh and he makes me cry as I stare at this little person with such unconditional love. I still can't believe that he is mine and that CJ and I get to bring him up. There is nothing I would not do for him, he just makes my life so much better. I can't bear being away from him for too long......I hate going to work as I miss out on time with him but it is nice to know that he is there when I get home and I usually get this great big smile when I get home which just melts me. He is really cheeky, (just like his mother) and he has a temper (mother again), don't reckon I will ever be able to growl him as he rules the roost already and I can't see that ever changing, and that is just fine with me.......SPOILT, yes indeed but who cares. We have taken him to the cemetary to visit his big brother but we have been unable to get him out of the car just yet as it is just too hard.

I must admit the past couple of weeks I have struggled big time, I have had the guilts and missing Luke so much everyday. I feel guilty because I could not look after him like I am looking after Josh and I could not take away Luke's pain or fix his problems. With Josh you burp him he's ok, you cuddle him and he's ok. WHY why couldnt have it been the same with Luke?
I remember when we in the high dependency ward at the L.G.H Luke looked at me through his humidicrib and his eyes cried out to me "help me daddy" and all I could do was hold his little hand and tell him that i was there and that I loved him but I could not take away his pain and I will feel guilty about that for the rest of my life, as when your child suffers you suffer with them big time. I would have done anything for my little man to be well but then reality sets in and you realise that it was just not possible but it does not stop you from feeling such excrutiating pain every single day and wondering WHAT IF !!
Luke will always be a big special part of our family and Josh will know that first hand. They do look alike but yet different if that makes sense. People ask who does Josh look like out of CJ or me, well I reckon he has more of his brother Luke in him which is nice. Now the 3 of us all carry Luke inside our hearts and his memory will live on forever.
Daddy misses you buddy xxxxxxxxxxx and I promise to take good care of your little brother and your Mummy.