Different time, same feelings

It is 15 1/2 months since we lost bubby Luke but to me it still feels like yesterday alot of the time. His images are so clear in my mind, every little detail of him I remember....as I would I guess as I am his proud Daddy. I remember the way he snuggled into me when I picked him up for the very first time and that I told him that I was his Daddy and that I would look after him. That chance was taken from me and from CJ and I will be bitter about it until I join my special little boy. I wonder every day what he is up to and if he is ok, I try not to think like this too much as I miss him so much that the pain that shoots through me is excrutiating......it is unexplainable to friends as they have not experienced it and never would we want them to understand but I just wish that I could sit someone down and explain the whole experience to them as I want my close friends to know as much about our son as I could possibly tell them. I want them to know that he lived for 2 special days and the features he had, and the way he curled his thumb up in his hand.......I want them to know everything but he is not mentioned to me by anyone much anymore and this to me is so hard to deal with. It's like "oh its been 16 months now" they should be moving on, and I have had that said to me by several people including family members. Who are they to tell me how to act and how to mourn our son. I will mourn his loss for as long as I am alive as it is so unfair what happened to him. He was just a little boy that had done nothing wrong and hurt no-one and he is taken away without even being given a chance to live.........how I would like to meet the person that decides when we live and when we die........I would kill the bastard because no matter what he said to me could possibly make sense of this tragety or justify him taking away our son.
The last few months I have just plodded along, I seem to be dealing with Luke's loss better on the outside but inside myself I am torn to pieces. I can't seem to move forward at all, I am still at Luke's bedside in Melbourne staring at my little boy struggling to stay alive or I am in the QV hoping the doctors are going to be able to tell me something encouraging re Luke's condition. The vision I have of picking my little boy up for the first time or holding his little hand through the gap in the humidicrib is crystal clear. Why couldn't anyone have helped him? Why? Why? Why?
My wife has mentioned about trying again at some stage and most of the time I don't answer, I just don't know wether I can, Luke will always be the most special little boy in my life. It would be nice to give him a brother or sister but it just doesn't seem fair that he missed out on experiencing life with his Mum and Dad.
I hope he knows that his Mum and I miss him every minute of every day because to us he is our world.
Sweet Dreams Little Man xxxxxxxxxxx