Friday, June 22, 2007

TIME MOVES ON BUT HEART ALWAYS HEAVY

This week CJ and I went for our 18 week scan, I must admit this was the first time that I haven't been shit scared that something was wrong, something or someone had convinced me that everything was ok and HOORAY it was and we got to see our little baby in vivid detail. The lovely lady that took our scan showed us everything in great depth which helped CJ to relax more than normal although she was still very emotional as she always is.......poor CJ she is so frightened that something is going to go wrong. This time I just know it won't as Bubby will be helping his little brother/sister from above.
We found out the sex which we are keeping to ourselves, even though a friend of mine went home and told his wife that he knew.....obviously he was stirring her.......but CJ wanted to know why I had told someone without letting her know.......it was quite funny really but CJ took quite a bit of convincing that I hadnt opened my mouth. I think she is waiting for me to let it slip to someone as I do tend to put my foot in it from time to time. We would love to tell this couple as they have both been great support to us both through the last few years and we think the world of them but we want it to be a surprise for them too. People have said to me what have you found out for as we have ruined the surprise for ourselves.........this type of comment I can understand from people who haven't lost a child as that may be important to some but for us it is having the pleasure of being able to take our chid home with us happy and healthy.
If I was granted one wish for the rest of my life then this would be what I would pick, it is all CJ and I want is another child that we can care for forever...........every monety thing is irrelevant, things like money and assets,..... yes it makes your life easier but it can't make you truly happy.........that to us is a family. (CJ, Luke, our unborn baby and me.)
We both miss him so much every day and sometimes I will be doing something at home and then all of a sudden I will be in tears, it just hits you from out of the blue like a freight train......I just hope that one day I can think about our special son without this happening as I want to remember his whole time here with us but at the moment it is just so painful. I think it always will be but I want to know how to handle it. I want to look at all his photos but I just cant as my mind goes straight to the time the photo was taken and then I start thinking about his constant battle he had and how useless I felt not being able to help him or to console CJ...........I will never understand it nor will I ever forgive myself for not doing more than I did..........I don't know what I could have done differently but........my mind goes over it quite a bit.
I am very excited about our unborn baby, in fact so excited that I am counting down the sleeps (142) more to go..........then I hope to see the twinkle back in my wife's eyes that I haven't see for over a couple of years now..........Luke will never be replaced as he is way too special for that and we love him more than life itself and losing him has changed us both as people but I know that watching my wife hold our baby and looking up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers will help dull the pain just a tad.
love you bubby boy xxxxxxxxxx

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there D,
Yes, He was tormenting and I knew he was having a lend and I didn't mean to get you into trouble I thought CJ would see that as well. SORRY.
You are so very right when you say that money and things can make life easier but the only true thing that will ever make you happy is having a happy healthy family and I can't wait for you and CJ to have that. It is entirely up to you guys wether you tell us but I have always liked surprises!!!
I can not wait to see you and CJ with your baby and always know that your special little man Luke will be looking out for you all.
Love J

3:48 pm  
Blogger Brenda said...

Wondered where you had got to. Thought you may have run away from home! lol

Great news re the scan. Im sure as worried as you both are, it also gave you something to smile about.

I have told Cindy what I think you are having. Will see if Im right. :)

No this new little bundle will not ever replace Luke but i hope he/she takes away a little of the pain.

Hugs
xxx

9:13 am  

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