THE DAY OUR HEARTS BROKE
It is fast approaching my son's 1st birthday and the thought of not being able to spend it with him is just another constant reminder of what he and us are missing out on. Mind you the reminders are everywhere, people pushing prams, kids playing, tv shows, it's just everywhere and each time I see something like this my mind goes straight to my little boy Luke.
Luke died 2 days after he was born, from "The vein of Galen Malformation", in lamens turns it was a large vein in his brain that placed too much pressure on his heart to handle. We went from being the perfect family to a family heartbroken and incomplete. Luke was all my wife and I wanted, a special little boy that we could dote on all day, everyday, to love, to hold and to cherish. SURELY THAT WAS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR ?
It was not too be though as our special little son passed away in Melbourne after fighting bravely for the 2 days he was with us.
The Melbourne trip was an emotional rollercoaster, we new Luke was sick but we still hoped that the best doctors over there would be able to save our son and eventually we would bring him home and spoil him rotten. I'll never forget walking into the special care nursery where Luke was and seeing him attached to all these machines, my heart just smashed into a million pieces, I kept telling him that Daddy was here and how much I loved him but in the back of my mind was a major resentment towards myself and that is still there today. "I had let my little boy down so badly, he was suffering and I couldn't fix it". I was supposed to be the protector of our family and now my little boy was dying and my wife's heart was broken. I had let the 2 most special people in my life down bigtime. I remember staring at my special boy and checking his features out thoroughly, he looked the splitting image of me (poor little bugger) apart from his big feet which he got from his mummy. I couldnt believe that I had a son, the overwhelming love you instantly feel for your children the moment they are born is one that I will never ever forget. All you want to do is protect them and love them to absolute bits.
The day we had to make the decision to turn his ventilator off was the hardest yet the easiest decision we have had to make. We so badly wanted Luke to be ok but we just knew it was not going to be the case and there was no way we were going to let our little bubby boy suffer. It seems like yesterday, I can still picture the room that we went into for his final hours. It was special time, yet the cruelest, just Luke, Cindy and me, our family. Luke bravely fought for what seemed like hours, he did not want to leave us but as he stuggled to breathe we both told him that it was ok and he didn't need to fight anymore. We constantly told him how much we loved him, and we always will because to me and my wife he was our world.
We held him in our arms as he finally passed away. Our special little angel gone to be with his Poppys in heaven. I will love my son always and always wonder what if.
This world of ours is just the cruelest place to be sometimes.
Luke died 2 days after he was born, from "The vein of Galen Malformation", in lamens turns it was a large vein in his brain that placed too much pressure on his heart to handle. We went from being the perfect family to a family heartbroken and incomplete. Luke was all my wife and I wanted, a special little boy that we could dote on all day, everyday, to love, to hold and to cherish. SURELY THAT WAS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR ?
It was not too be though as our special little son passed away in Melbourne after fighting bravely for the 2 days he was with us.
The Melbourne trip was an emotional rollercoaster, we new Luke was sick but we still hoped that the best doctors over there would be able to save our son and eventually we would bring him home and spoil him rotten. I'll never forget walking into the special care nursery where Luke was and seeing him attached to all these machines, my heart just smashed into a million pieces, I kept telling him that Daddy was here and how much I loved him but in the back of my mind was a major resentment towards myself and that is still there today. "I had let my little boy down so badly, he was suffering and I couldn't fix it". I was supposed to be the protector of our family and now my little boy was dying and my wife's heart was broken. I had let the 2 most special people in my life down bigtime. I remember staring at my special boy and checking his features out thoroughly, he looked the splitting image of me (poor little bugger) apart from his big feet which he got from his mummy. I couldnt believe that I had a son, the overwhelming love you instantly feel for your children the moment they are born is one that I will never ever forget. All you want to do is protect them and love them to absolute bits.
The day we had to make the decision to turn his ventilator off was the hardest yet the easiest decision we have had to make. We so badly wanted Luke to be ok but we just knew it was not going to be the case and there was no way we were going to let our little bubby boy suffer. It seems like yesterday, I can still picture the room that we went into for his final hours. It was special time, yet the cruelest, just Luke, Cindy and me, our family. Luke bravely fought for what seemed like hours, he did not want to leave us but as he stuggled to breathe we both told him that it was ok and he didn't need to fight anymore. We constantly told him how much we loved him, and we always will because to me and my wife he was our world.
We held him in our arms as he finally passed away. Our special little angel gone to be with his Poppys in heaven. I will love my son always and always wonder what if.
This world of ours is just the cruelest place to be sometimes.
posted by PROUD DADDY at 9:59 am
1 Comments:
Oh gosh! Reading this is so close to home its not funny.
I really feel for you both and I really do understand how you both felt. That decision to turn things off is so hard. Yet you just know its the right thing to do. You do it because you love your baby. But it hurts like hell.
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