PROUDEST DAD

ANOTHER CHRISTMAS WITHOUT LUKE

2008-12-30T13:09:00.002+11:00

Christmas has come and gone again and as happens at most special occassions it causes you to reflect on what should have been.

We spent this Xmas at home with our parents and Luke's little brother Josh who had a lovely time with his pressies, but Cindy and I had to open the special presents that we placed under the tree for Luke. They were so hard to open as Luke should have been the one there doing it.
We take these to the cemetary each year and place at his resting place. It is so hard as he should have been here playing with his toys and having fun like his little brother did. It will never ever be right or fair. My heart aches for our little boy who never got to experience fun times with his Mum and Dad and now his little brother.

You try your hardest to put on a brave face for Josh as he doesn't know anything about his brother yet but in time he will be told what a special big brother he has and how we love him and miss him so much. I can't say I'm looking forward to telling Josh about what happened to Luke but it is something that I will put alot of time and thought into when the time comes.

I will never forget you Bubby Luke and I am so proud to be your Daddy.
I miss you mate xxxxxxxxx

GUILT THAT TEARS AT YOUR HEART

2008-07-02T10:07:00.002+10:00

The last few months I have found really tough which is strange I know with the joy Josh has brought us but I am constantly having dreams about my special little boy Luke. It always comes back to the same thing, seeing Luke's eyes staring at me from inside the humidicrib saying "HELP ME DADDY, HELP ME" and I could do nothing to help him.
I have felt guilty about this ever since we lost our precious son. I feel I let my little boy down so badly and I don't think I will ever forgive myself.
In my mind the Daddy is the protector of the family, and I did not protect my little boy.
A Daddy has to be able to fix things that aren't fixable and I didn't!!
People have said, including my dear wife CJ that not even the doctors could do anythinig to fix him but my answer to that is, "they aren't Luke's Daddy", and they don't love him with the passion that I do, and for that matter always will.
I hope that Luke realises how much I love him, how much I miss him and the fact I would do anything to have him back healthy and happy.
What I would do to hold him one more time, to give him a kiss and to let him know that his Daddy is so proud to be his father.
I am so so sorry bubby.

MEMORIES & CONSTANT REMINDERS

2008-05-21T12:12:00.002+10:00

Josh is now 6 1/2 months old and growing fast. He is a real little character and I love him to bits but I must admit I found the anniversary of Luke's death harder this year than the one before. I guess it's due to Josh constantly doing little things that make you laugh or smile and knowing that they are more things we missed out on with Bubby Luke. I try not to dwell on them as I know that helps no-one but I can't help it sometimes as my mind wanders back to Luke and the 2 very special days I had with him. I go and visit him every second night on my way home from work, check his little grave & remove leaves and stuff off it that has been blown there, make sure his toys are in the place where we like them and give his plaque a clean as they get dirty so quickly. I know its not much but it is all I can do to show my boy that daddy will always care. I hope he knows that anyway but I like to check on him. I sometimes sit down out there & chat with him, telling him how much I miss him and how I wish he was still here with his mummy, little brother Josh and me. I say goodnight to Luke every night, I always look into the night sky and find the brightest star and say goodnight darlin boy daddy loves you and misses you. It might sound silly to some people but it helps me a little bit. I had such a special bond with Luke and my heart aches every day from the loss of my little boy. If only I could change things !!
Daddy loves and misses you so much Bubby xxxxxxx

3 YEARS BUT HEART ALWAYS HEAVY

2008-04-22T07:43:00.002+10:00

Today our little Luke would have turned 3 years old. He should have been waking us early to open presents and enjoy his day but due to this cruel world he can not. It is just so hard sometimes as the old saying "if only" continues to pop into your head. Today I am going to remember my boy who I love so very much and who I think about on a daily basis. His beautiful eyes, his wise old face, his gorgous skin, his cute little mop of hair, the love I instantly felt for him, the way he looked at me when I held him and try not to think too hard of the hell we went through in losing him. I miss him so much, the ache in the heart never goes away and nor will the love I have for my special special special little bubby boy.
Daddy loves you so much xxxxxxxxxxx

MY 2 SPECIAL BOYS

2008-01-29T13:57:00.000+11:00

Joshy is now almost 12 weeks old and developing his own little personality which is great to be there for and see it all first hand. He makes me laugh and he makes me cry as I stare at this little person with such unconditional love. I still can't believe that he is mine and that CJ and I get to bring him up. There is nothing I would not do for him, he just makes my life so much better. I can't bear being away from him for too long......I hate going to work as I miss out on time with him but it is nice to know that he is there when I get home and I usually get this great big smile when I get home which just melts me. He is really cheeky, (just like his mother) and he has a temper (mother again), don't reckon I will ever be able to growl him as he rules the roost already and I can't see that ever changing, and that is just fine with me.......SPOILT, yes indeed but who cares. We have taken him to the cemetary to visit his big brother but we have been unable to get him out of the car just yet as it is just too hard.

I must admit the past couple of weeks I have struggled big time, I have had the guilts and missing Luke so much everyday. I feel guilty because I could not look after him like I am looking after Josh and I could not take away Luke's pain or fix his problems. With Josh you burp him he's ok, you cuddle him and he's ok. WHY why couldnt have it been the same with Luke?
I remember when we in the high dependency ward at the L.G.H Luke looked at me through his humidicrib and his eyes cried out to me "help me daddy" and all I could do was hold his little hand and tell him that i was there and that I loved him but I could not take away his pain and I will feel guilty about that for the rest of my life, as when your child suffers you suffer with them big time. I would have done anything for my little man to be well but then reality sets in and you realise that it was just not possible but it does not stop you from feeling such excrutiating pain every single day and wondering WHAT IF !!
Luke will always be a big special part of our family and Josh will know that first hand. They do look alike but yet different if that makes sense. People ask who does Josh look like out of CJ or me, well I reckon he has more of his brother Luke in him which is nice. Now the 3 of us all carry Luke inside our hearts and his memory will live on forever.
Daddy misses you buddy xxxxxxxxxxx and I promise to take good care of your little brother and your Mummy.

JOSH HAS ARRIVED

2007-12-11T14:07:00.000+11:00

Finally our second special ittle boy has arrived.

WOW what a day it was......stressed out to the max but worth every second of a hellish nine months. Cindy was brave as she always is, but I realised her beneath the surface pain. She is an inspiration to me, and little Josh will know just how important and wonderful his Mum is. After a short scare in the ORS where they cut a blood vessel on Cindy that they shouldn't have which seemed to take an eternity to fix, our boy arrived safely and just listening to the sound of his cries was the best sound that I have ever heard. The Theatre staff told us not to worry about his screams but to us it was music to our ears.

I have the most beautiful photo of Cindy cuddling little Josh for the first time and a tear is just trickling from her eye. It just sums up how much this little miracle means to her and how much pain she has endured to have him arrive safely.

He is a gorgous little fella, although I am a tad biased but who cares, I'm sure every parent thinks the same. I still stare at him at times and just can't believe he is ours and that no - one will take him off us ever, it's just unbelievable. The love you have for your children is something that cant be described it's just such a deep powerful emotion that is unique.
I thank Luke every day for helping protect his little brother and I know that he would be pleased for us.
In amongst all the joy is always going to be the feeling of that special part of us that is not here to celebrate with ,but he will live on in our minds and he will always hold that special place in our hearts always reserved for him.

At times just having Josh is harder to deal with the loss of Luke in the sense that you realise exactly what we missed out on with Luke, and I dont mean that in a bad way at all it just hits home even harder now, but also seeing your child do things for the first time helps ease that pain........but as we know life goes on and we have to do the best we can to look after his little brother for us and for Luke as that is what he would want and that is exactly what little Joshy deserves. He will always have us to rely on as family always comes first with me and always will. I want to set an example for him to follow as he grows up and I want him to know exactly how much I do love him, as to me CJ, Luke, and Josh will always be No1 in my eyes and nothing will ever be put before any one of them, and Josh will be told all about his big brother and how he watches over him every day.

Thanks little man, you will always be the brightest star in the night sky.

Daddy loves you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FINGERS CROSSED & THANKYOU

2007-10-26T10:36:00.000+11:00

Who would have ever thought we would reach the stage that we are now under 2 weeks before we meet our second child. I must admit that I have now become very anxious, the waiting and waiting and waiting for the day to arrive is now a reality in my mind and the realisation that we will become parents again very soon brings mixed emotions.
The though of becoming a father again is an experience that has to be felt to be believed. I remember when I met our little baby Luke for the first time, the overwhelming love that flows through you is incredible and it is that feeling that I hold closest to my heart when I think about my special little son. I think of Luke on a daily basis, and the deeper I think the mort hurt I feel, I just miss him so much and I must admit I become frustrated as hell when people start talking about this pregnancy that have never even bothered to ask me how I am in regards to Luke. I feel like telling them to mind theIr own business, I know that sounds harsh but I have very little time for so called "good time only friends". It is our special friends that I want to share this with, the ones who didnt desert us when we needed them. I will always remember them and they will always be so special to both CJ and me.
Bubby Luke is always going to be so so special to me but his sister / brother will be treated with exactly the same love as CJ and I have plenty of that to go around when it comes to our children.
The thought of meeting our 2nd child is incredible, seeing the little eyes peering up at me and telling him/her that I am their daddy is a very special moment and one in which you treasure greatly.
I am becoming increasingly nervous as the day becomes closer as it has always seemed so far away even though we have had so many scans I have lost count. My mind wanders all over the place and at times I will get up to do something and then forget why I even got up. CJ calls them my pregnant moments.
CJ has taught me so much over the last 3 years. How to find your inner strength when it is needed most? How to inspire? How to love from the bottom of your heart? She is an ispiration to me every single day, the way she fights to keep going when at times before the pregnancy it was just difficult getting out of bed and the strength that she shows every day to overcome her emotions and get on with life is something that ispires me beyond belief. To my gorgous wife (who I think is stunning with her pregnant belly) all I can say is thankyou for being you and for putting up with me. I am honoured to be your husband. xxxxxxxx

Getting Closer, but.......

2007-09-14T12:00:00.000+10:00

Has been a while since I posted so thought I would write a few things down, why exactly I never really know.
I am excited at the thought of the arrival of another little baby, in fact I can't wait but always on my mind is our most special little boy. CJ and I have began setting up the nursery which we are determined to make a happy experience and not relate it to Luke as that would not be fair on our next little arrival but bloody oath its hard work.

I found myself the other day standing in the doorway of the nursery staring into space.......when this happens my mind goes straight to Luke, it happens quite regularly, I could be anywhere at anytime and then that happens.....it's difficult to deal with.

I want to remember every single moment I had with Luke but the majority of time I end up in tears as the time was too short, too cruel, too hard and the end result life shattering but if I don't make myself deal with it then I feel guilty that I don't think enough. I wish there was an easy way but the nightmares of Melbourne are still so vivid and cruel.
How do I deal with the fact that I held my most precious little boy in my arms until he died? I was thankful for the fact that myself and CJ were there when it happened as we kept telling him how much we love him and that Mummy and Daddy were there with him but I wanted it to be me not our little boy. He was so little and had not hurt anyone and now his life was being taken before it began. Get a religous nut to justify and explain that to me. The nightmares will never end but I must push through it as my wife needs me to be strong for her and of course our next arrival.

This child will be spoilt rotten, as we have so much love to give and we owe it to ourselves and to Luke to be the best of parents as I know we will. I know that Luke has been helping his Mummy from above and I often talk to him and ask for all the help he can give me to be stronger than I am. The old tale of a man doesnt cry and he has to be the strength in the family is very hard sometimes especially when you lose a part of you that means more to you than your own self. People must deal with it though because unfortunatly there are many parents out there who have suffered as CJ and I have and to all of them I pass on my best wishes as life really is too hard sometimes but now I live for myself and for my son as that is what he would want me to do and to also take care of his Mummy and my beautiful wife.

KISSES AND HUGS FOR YOU BUBBY AS YOUR DAD LOVES YOU SO MUCH XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

TIME MOVES ON BUT HEART ALWAYS HEAVY

2007-06-22T11:43:00.000+10:00

This week CJ and I went for our 18 week scan, I must admit this was the first time that I haven't been shit scared that something was wrong, something or someone had convinced me that everything was ok and HOORAY it was and we got to see our little baby in vivid detail. The lovely lady that took our scan showed us everything in great depth which helped CJ to relax more than normal although she was still very emotional as she always is.......poor CJ she is so frightened that something is going to go wrong. This time I just know it won't as Bubby will be helping his little brother/sister from above.
We found out the sex which we are keeping to ourselves, even though a friend of mine went home and told his wife that he knew.....obviously he was stirring her.......but CJ wanted to know why I had told someone without letting her know.......it was quite funny really but CJ took quite a bit of convincing that I hadnt opened my mouth. I think she is waiting for me to let it slip to someone as I do tend to put my foot in it from time to time. We would love to tell this couple as they have both been great support to us both through the last few years and we think the world of them but we want it to be a surprise for them too. People have said to me what have you found out for as we have ruined the surprise for ourselves.........this type of comment I can understand from people who haven't lost a child as that may be important to some but for us it is having the pleasure of being able to take our chid home with us happy and healthy.
If I was granted one wish for the rest of my life then this would be what I would pick, it is all CJ and I want is another child that we can care for forever...........every monety thing is irrelevant, things like money and assets,..... yes it makes your life easier but it can't make you truly happy.........that to us is a family. (CJ, Luke, our unborn baby and me.)
We both miss him so much every day and sometimes I will be doing something at home and then all of a sudden I will be in tears, it just hits you from out of the blue like a freight train......I just hope that one day I can think about our special son without this happening as I want to remember his whole time here with us but at the moment it is just so painful. I think it always will be but I want to know how to handle it. I want to look at all his photos but I just cant as my mind goes straight to the time the photo was taken and then I start thinking about his constant battle he had and how useless I felt not being able to help him or to console CJ...........I will never understand it nor will I ever forgive myself for not doing more than I did..........I don't know what I could have done differently but........my mind goes over it quite a bit.
I am very excited about our unborn baby, in fact so excited that I am counting down the sleeps (142) more to go..........then I hope to see the twinkle back in my wife's eyes that I haven't see for over a couple of years now..........Luke will never be replaced as he is way too special for that and we love him more than life itself and losing him has changed us both as people but I know that watching my wife hold our baby and looking up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers will help dull the pain just a tad.
love you bubby boy xxxxxxxxxx

treasured friends + 2 x's

2007-05-02T10:21:00.000+10:00

Well both CJ and I managed to get through Bubbies 2nd anniversary ok.....it was tough as this time of the year the memories of exactly what happened are crystal clear in your mind constantly, it's just learning to deal with such strong emotions and heartache. Some days I manage ok but others I'm hopeless. I still stuggle at the cemetary every time I go which is every 2nd night as I just hate Luke being there and leaving again in the car I feel like you are leaving him behind.
We are lucky to have such great friends who really care about us and always seem to be there when you need them most and I hope that they realise that we would be there for them too in a flash if ever need be.......we have at least 10 that we know of that actually visit Luke's little grave and it just means the world to both CJ and I because I'm sure it must be difficult for them.

Uncle P.....one of my oldest mates, a big tough looking bloke that is as soft as butter with a heart as big as Bass Straight, went to pieces when Bubby died but never ceases to amaze me.....one of the few people that have actually ever asked me about Luke and what he was like....xxx

D & J continue to amaze me, they are just 2 lovely people that we are lucky enough to be able to call close friends.......D is one bloke that I just reckon is the beez knees, .....a genuine bloke who is a great mate, and J his better half has been such a support to CJ from day one....they even made the effort to visit Bubby and give him a couple of flowers on his anniversary, it is things like this that just bring me to tears and makes me realise that we do have people that care about us and who will never forget Luke ......thanks so much I wish I could express to you exactly how much it means to me......I know you both read this so I thought I would put it here as I have wanted to say this for ages but could just never find the right words and I don't think even this does you both justice.xxxx

D & G,(Luke's God parents) fantastic people who are a tower of strength for us both.....where would we be without them. xxxx

M, K, A, L all great friends to Cindy who she can count on through good and bad times, so from me thankyou all xxx

Unlike the above mentioned friends I have found that others who called themselves my friends aren't worth a bucket of cold crap.........2 of my so called closest friends didn't even remember his birthday or his anniversary and only twigged when it was Anzac day.........I heard all sorts of excuses as to why but I'm not interested as I know that I could never forget anything like this if it concerned one of my best mates. I know I can be stubborn alot of the time but when it comes to me and my son, DON'T GIVE ME YOUR EXCUSES BECAUSE YOU CAN GET STUFFED as far as I'm concerned you don't warrant even being called a friend little alone a good mate.
I hope this doesn't sound horrible but I just can't fathom how they could forget, I know they were on holidays and away but I only expected a text, surely thats not too much to ask?.......and then to listen to the crappy reasons why he / she forgot was unbelievable.
Bubbies memory will live on forever because between me and his mummy plus our closest friends and family we won't let it.
Sweet Dreams little man Daddy loves you xxxxxxxxxxx

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY

2007-04-23T10:42:00.000+10:00

Yesterday was our little boys second birthday, I remember exactly what was happening this time 2 years ago, seeing my son born was just amazing and that is one of the special memories that I will carry with me forever.

Yesterday was tough, as CJ and I both wished he was with us opening up his pressies and making a mess with his birthday cake but no such luck for us. Instead we went out to his little grave at the cemetary and took him 2 big balloons, his special candles made by Aunty Glenda and his pretend cake.......bloody hell life sux........the huge wave of emotion that flows through your body is just excruciating.........we kept it together as best we could...........but in private I went to pieces..........I just miss him so very very much.

Happy Birthday Bubby Boy your Dad does love you and I miss you xxxxxxx

BEATING FLAT OUT

2007-04-18T09:22:00.000+10:00

CJ had her scan 2 days ago and we were both so relieved when we saw our little baby's heart beating away flat out..........we also got to see the little arms and legs moving at a rapid rate.....a real little wriggle worn.........it was very exciting and CJ just went to pieces through shere relief...........only another 3 weeks and we will be out of the danger zone so at the moment we have everything crossed and are staying as positive as possible.

It is Luke's birthday this Sunday and then his anniversary on the Tuesday so both those will be our next obstacle to overcome because those days just rip your heart to pieces yet again.....we both just wish he was here with us opening his pressies and running amuk, but unfortunatly that will not be happening.......but we will remember our little Bubby for the beautiful little man he was and how honoured we both are to be his parents.

Love you lots Bubby Luke xxxxxx

MIXED EMOTIONS & TRUE FRIENDS

2007-04-12T14:32:00.000+10:00

Since our exciting news of Cindy being pregnant life has taken a rather strange turn. I seem to be in no-mans land again of not really knowing how to act or what to say. I am very excited about the upcoming birth of our 2nd child but also on my mind is how I wish this child was Luke and I realise that that is not fair on our unborn little baby. CJ won't speak about being pregnant as yet, she is still not really admitting it but I believe that will change when we go to our next scan and see the little heart beating away.......I can't wait for that day.

We both are very nervous, anxious and scared to bits about going through it all again but hopefully we will be lucky enough this time for our baby to be ok. Even writing these words I feel bad as it's like I am letting Luke down, but I also know deep down that he wouldn't be thinking that and he would realise that his Mum and me will always love him in a very very special way. Luke "Bubby" was our first born and I will never ever forget meeting our little boy for the first time, it was just incredible such an overwelming feeling of love that I have never come close to previously experiencing.

People who have not spoken to us for a long time suddenlyl seem to want to be around us again, and talk about CJ being pregnant, I know on more that one occassion that she has just wished they would go away. It's like "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN" when we have needed you when we lost Luke, don't come out of the cupboard now you think we are ok.......nothing will change how we ever feel about losing our special son we are just learning to cope with it as best we can.

We want to share this special occassion with our TRUE friends who stuck with us through the hard times and not just the good. To all these people and trust me I know who every single one of them is all I can say is Thankyou from the bottom of my heart and that I will never forget any of you and how much it means to have you as CJ and my treasured friends.

Monday coming is our next scan and I know everything will be ok because big brother Luke will help us from in heaven from the comfort of his Poppies knee. I just know that my Dad would be spoiling him rotten. I just wish more than anything that it was me and his Mummy doing it.

Love you darlin little boy xxxxxxxxx

FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS

2007-03-23T15:48:00.000+11:00

Some great news at long last.

CJ's pregnancy test last Saturday showed as positive, we just couldnt believe it, we even went and bought a different type of pregnancy test from the chemist just to confirm it and both gave us a positive result.

We just hugged one another and the tears flowed freely.

My immeadiate thoughts went to our precious little Bubby Luke who I know was helping us from above.

We both miss him so much and wish he was here with us to celebrate but unfortunatly he can't be but his baby sister or brother will know all we do about their precious big bro.
We had many many phone calls to make to our family and special friends and they were all thrilled for us. There was one exception who I won't name but lets just say CJ has supported this person flat out over the last 2 years through their heartache but didn't receive the same back when our joyous news was announced. Instead chose to write something very ordinary on her blog that disturbed CJ and this made me really feel for my wife who I love to absolute bits.
She has had so much heartache in her life and I know that finally we may have turned a slight corner and can try and think as positively as we can and start thinking about our future together as a happy family, with a special piece of it watching from above.

Your Daddy loves you Bubby Luke and nothing will ever change that nor will anyone or anything replace the piece of my heart that belongs entirely to you xxxxxxxxx

Thanks for your help little boy xxxxxx

HOPES DASHED AGAIN

2007-02-09T13:38:00.000+11:00

Just as Cj and I started to get excited that we may be going to be parents again. The dreaded stuff turned up 3 days late and shattered that dream yet again. It is just so unfair, we aren't asking for much other than to bring up a child of our own and once again we have been robbed of that chance......what do we have to do? .......this world is over-rated big time !!!!!!!!1

IF ONLY !!

2007-02-07T10:28:00.000+11:00

Life continues to drift by without anything apart from my wife and closest friends meaning anything to me. CJ and I made the decisions a few months ago to try and give our special boy a little brother or sister. It would be the 2nd hardest decision either of us has ever had to make. So many emotions rush through me, virtually all of them relate to little Luke....what would he think? .....does he realise that the love we have for him will never change, nothing could come close to the feeling i had of seeing my little man for the first time and the way he snuggled in to me when I cuddled him for the first time, how he curled his thumb up and those huge feet that I know he got from his Mum.
I wish I could talk to him and explain that he will always be the most special thing in mine and CJ'S life.
CJ and I talked about trying again long before we decided that we were ready to but it just doesn't seem to be working and we can't figure out why? We both want to be parents again, in fact it's all either of us want. I want Cindy to be a Mum so badly as I know she would be fantastic and I also think I would be pretty good to. My Dad sure set a high example for me to follow and now I understand why as the love I have for Luke can not be matched, it's just the most awesome feeling in the world.

CJ'S period is due today and I am so hoping that it doesn't come as I know how upset she will be if it arrives. She doesn't say alot but I know her well enough to know that deep down it crushes her and I must admit it upsets me big time too..... but thats life I guess, alot of the time it's just so unfair.....hopefully though this year will be better for us and we will have another child to bring up and increase our little family to 4. If not then we will just keep trying because we want this so badly for each other.

Fingers crossed.

Bubby Luke "memories of emotion."

2006-11-07T16:11:00.000+11:00

Ever since our little boy passed away, I constantly find myself battling to control my emotions.....I miss Bubby every minute of every day, and it is hard for people to understand that the emptiness feeling will never ever heal. When someone dies, time does help, I know in the past time certainly helped me but losing Luke is a completely different thing. A big part of me died with my son and I am constantly fighting myself in trying to be as normal as I can. I often drift off in my own mind and go back to those 2 special days that we had with our beautiful son. They are happy memories but also so very painful, but when memories are all you have then you try and embrace them........I will always remember my son as the proudest and most loved part of myself and CJ. He was beautiful and to me he will always be the most important little person in my life. .........I just wish I had the answer of how to be a better husband and cope with this pain because I know my wife needs me sometimes more than I can give.
Sleep peacefully little man, Daddy loves you xxxxxxxxx

Different time, same feelings

2006-08-04T14:30:00.000+10:00

It is 15 1/2 months since we lost bubby Luke but to me it still feels like yesterday alot of the time. His images are so clear in my mind, every little detail of him I remember....as I would I guess as I am his proud Daddy. I remember the way he snuggled into me when I picked him up for the very first time and that I told him that I was his Daddy and that I would look after him. That chance was taken from me and from CJ and I will be bitter about it until I join my special little boy. I wonder every day what he is up to and if he is ok, I try not to think like this too much as I miss him so much that the pain that shoots through me is excrutiating......it is unexplainable to friends as they have not experienced it and never would we want them to understand but I just wish that I could sit someone down and explain the whole experience to them as I want my close friends to know as much about our son as I could possibly tell them. I want them to know that he lived for 2 special days and the features he had, and the way he curled his thumb up in his hand.......I want them to know everything but he is not mentioned to me by anyone much anymore and this to me is so hard to deal with. It's like "oh its been 16 months now" they should be moving on, and I have had that said to me by several people including family members. Who are they to tell me how to act and how to mourn our son. I will mourn his loss for as long as I am alive as it is so unfair what happened to him. He was just a little boy that had done nothing wrong and hurt no-one and he is taken away without even being given a chance to live.........how I would like to meet the person that decides when we live and when we die........I would kill the bastard because no matter what he said to me could possibly make sense of this tragety or justify him taking away our son.
The last few months I have just plodded along, I seem to be dealing with Luke's loss better on the outside but inside myself I am torn to pieces. I can't seem to move forward at all, I am still at Luke's bedside in Melbourne staring at my little boy struggling to stay alive or I am in the QV hoping the doctors are going to be able to tell me something encouraging re Luke's condition. The vision I have of picking my little boy up for the first time or holding his little hand through the gap in the humidicrib is crystal clear. Why couldn't anyone have helped him? Why? Why? Why?
My wife has mentioned about trying again at some stage and most of the time I don't answer, I just don't know wether I can, Luke will always be the most special little boy in my life. It would be nice to give him a brother or sister but it just doesn't seem fair that he missed out on experiencing life with his Mum and Dad.
I hope he knows that his Mum and I miss him every minute of every day because to us he is our world.
Sweet Dreams Little Man xxxxxxxxxxx

THE NUMB TIMES

2006-06-16T15:39:00.000+10:00

Some days ok, some days bad, some terrible, but it's the numb days that are very strange to deal with. It's almost like you are living outside your own body looking in. It really is a strange situation and that is how I am feeling today.

Today is my birthday and I don't feel at all like celebrating, why would I, our little boy didn't get the opportunity to celebrate any at all. It's days like today that I tend to miss him even more, he is all that my wife and I have ever wanted and such trivial things as a birthday present pale into insignificance. I have been lucky today because most of my close friends remembered it was my birthday and by them just saying happy birthday means a lot to me. Small things such as these are the things that I really appreciate nowadays.

My birthday wish is that our little boy Luke is watching over his Mum and Dad and that he is enjoying his life without any pain up in heaven with his grandad and his great grandparents.

"There is not an hour in the day that goes past bubby that I dont think of you. You are my most special little boy and nothing will ever change that because I love you more than you will ever know."
Love Daddy xxxxxxxxxxx

low life scum cause more heartache

2006-05-26T14:52:00.000+10:00

The unthikable has happened again, vandals striking our sons grave and stealing teddy bears that we had placed there with love and help from a couple of our closest friends.
How anyone could be this low is beyond me !!!
They are just filth, who I would love to meet one day...........in fact it's probably best I don't because I would just lose it. How dare these animals go anywhere near our precious boy's grave. It just makes me sick to my stomach.
Sorry Bubbie boy xxxxxxxxx

Long Days Long Nights

2006-05-17T20:21:00.000+10:00

Nightimes seem to make you stop and think more than you wish you did. The quiet periods and I guess the realisation that your son isn't with you are very hard to deal with. I often find myelf staring at bubbies photo that we have proudly displayed in the loungeroom, wondering is he ok? is he safe? what he is doing, where he actually is and if he is missing me half as much as I miss him. I often talk to him and every night look into the sky to try and see some sort of sign that he is watching over his Mum and me. It may sound silly but it's all we have along with my memories of the 2 days I spent with our son. Staring upwards and wishing him sweet dreams are almost a nightime ritual to me. What I would do to be able to tuck him in and just stare at him as he drifted off to sleep. More things I guess that alot of parents take for granted, gee I hope most realise how truly lucky they are. To my wife and I these are only wishes that will never be reality. We hate sitting here, gawking at the tv guide to see what is on next, it's not what we wanted to be doing, we wanted to be changing dirt nappies, to be playing with our son, to be woken in the middle of the night to loud screams, but it's not to be.
Sweet Dreams Little man Daddy loves you lots xxxxxxxxxxxx

Drifting & Treading Water

2006-05-05T15:51:00.000+10:00

The title sums up how I am feeling, life seems to be going on around me and I am in my own little nightmare. People complaining about money problems, can't afford this, can't afford that, my job stinks,........all this type of stuff I use to complain about too but now it seems so minor in the greater scheme of things.
I would settle for being the poorest of the poor if we could have Bubby back healthy. I would do anything in my power to hold him again, to see his little face staring up at me.
Nothing I seem to do at the minute is right, and it just gets to the point that you think why do I even bother trying. Everything involving our loss has affected every single part of us.............it certainly puts you on edge and it is tough to constantly deal with the loss every single day.
Life is passing us by and we are watching it. IT SUX.
Hopefully things will improve gradually but at the moment I can't see that happening we just have to do the best we can.

Moving on? Advice from people who have no idea

2006-04-28T11:36:00.000+10:00

I think if another person says to me at the moment you must move on, or you should be improving by now I will punch someone. People that offer such advice have no idea !! I realise that most people are only trying to help you with comments that they have to say but unless you have been through it yourself then honestly you just can't relate. We are lucky that we have made some great new friends through this personal tradgety, couples that have been through similar experiences and it is nice to talk to them because they tend to understand where you are when it comes to your feelings and their advice is benefitial. My dearest friends seem to know the right things to say the majority of the time which is great and believe me both my wife and I have certainly figured out who our real friends are. They always try and help us and to these people we can't thankyou enough.
You feel like saying to the others, my son is still in heaven isn't he, and he is not coming back, how do I deal with that or move on as such, it is not as easy as you think.
Luke was our first born, and he will always be so special to my wife and I. The overpowering feeling that I had the instance I laid my eyes on him was unbelievable. A feeling that I will always hold as close to my heart as I possibly can. IT WAS JUST THE BEST.
Don't get me wrong I do appreciate peoples advice sometimes but only if they know what they are talking about and not just think they do.
I suppose I am just looking to vent my frustrations out on someone at the minute so thought I would type it to my blog. I just miss my little son and wish everyday that he was still here with us nice and healthy. I just feel so incomplete without him, like a piece of me died with him. It's probably the part of my heart that will be treasured for Luke and only Luke.
I know I must get my act together for my wife's sake and for mine because life does go on, even if you don't want it too sometimes, and I know that bubby would want his Mum and Dad happy and not always sad. I miss you everyday boy. xxxxxxxxxx

The best memories never fade

2006-04-24T11:27:00.000+10:00

Today is the first anniversary of our bubbies death and boy it's hard work. The memories of what we were doing this time last year are more vivid than ever. These memories are with us every single day but today they are just so much clearer.
We both wondered how we would cope today and so far it has been one major rollercoaster of emotions. My wife and I have just finished looking at all of Luke's photos and then we watched the 90 second video that we have of him. (it is just so special to us). It brought me undone big time, what I would do just to hold our son one more time, to touch his little hands, to feel his hair and to give him a big kiss. All these things I'm sure alot of parents take for granted, if only they new. I just wish every single day that things could have been different, we both have so much love for our son and unfortunatly we can't show him that in person. I really hope that he is watching over us and that he knows just how special to Cindy and me he is and always will be.
I would give up anything to have him back with us healthy and not suffering.
Our son Luke, the part of us that will always be the most special. xxx

THE DAY OUR HEARTS BROKE

2006-04-18T09:59:00.000+10:00

It is fast approaching my son's 1st birthday and the thought of not being able to spend it with him is just another constant reminder of what he and us are missing out on. Mind you the reminders are everywhere, people pushing prams, kids playing, tv shows, it's just everywhere and each time I see something like this my mind goes straight to my little boy Luke.
Luke died 2 days after he was born, from "The vein of Galen Malformation", in lamens turns it was a large vein in his brain that placed too much pressure on his heart to handle. We went from being the perfect family to a family heartbroken and incomplete. Luke was all my wife and I wanted, a special little boy that we could dote on all day, everyday, to love, to hold and to cherish. SURELY THAT WAS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR ?
It was not too be though as our special little son passed away in Melbourne after fighting bravely for the 2 days he was with us.
The Melbourne trip was an emotional rollercoaster, we new Luke was sick but we still hoped that the best doctors over there would be able to save our son and eventually we would bring him home and spoil him rotten. I'll never forget walking into the special care nursery where Luke was and seeing him attached to all these machines, my heart just smashed into a million pieces, I kept telling him that Daddy was here and how much I loved him but in the back of my mind was a major resentment towards myself and that is still there today. "I had let my little boy down so badly, he was suffering and I couldn't fix it". I was supposed to be the protector of our family and now my little boy was dying and my wife's heart was broken. I had let the 2 most special people in my life down bigtime. I remember staring at my special boy and checking his features out thoroughly, he looked the splitting image of me (poor little bugger) apart from his big feet which he got from his mummy. I couldnt believe that I had a son, the overwhelming love you instantly feel for your children the moment they are born is one that I will never ever forget. All you want to do is protect them and love them to absolute bits.
The day we had to make the decision to turn his ventilator off was the hardest yet the easiest decision we have had to make. We so badly wanted Luke to be ok but we just knew it was not going to be the case and there was no way we were going to let our little bubby boy suffer. It seems like yesterday, I can still picture the room that we went into for his final hours. It was special time, yet the cruelest, just Luke, Cindy and me, our family. Luke bravely fought for what seemed like hours, he did not want to leave us but as he stuggled to breathe we both told him that it was ok and he didn't need to fight anymore. We constantly told him how much we loved him, and we always will because to me and my wife he was our world.
We held him in our arms as he finally passed away. Our special little angel gone to be with his Poppys in heaven. I will love my son always and always wonder what if.
This world of ours is just the cruelest place to be sometimes.